A conclusion for lack of a conclusion

In college when I would write research papers, I liked to be able to plan out the entire paper and outline it before I began writing. I would create a rough outline and organize all my material in the proper order. I did not always write it in order because certain points were easier for me to write about than others. Usually I would start with the section that I had the most research for and was fresh on my mind. After most of the body of the paper was finished, I would write the conclusion before the introduction. It was easier for me to wrap up the whole paper and prove what I had just written about. That's the thing, I'm good at drawing conclusions. In fact, we as humans are good at drawing conclusions. Or at least we like to think we are.
The tendency to figure out a problem or solve something is a prevailing notion among ambitious people. It's not a bad thing to want to improve, but perhaps the flaw rises when we try to conclude before all the facts are presented. Maybe everything does not need to be figured out. Maybe everything does not fit in a neat box marked "case closed". Maybe it's just not that simple. It is more comfortable to know that something has been solved and the conclusion has been written, yet I'm presenting the possibility that all is meant not to be solved.
When people set out on road trips, most of the time it is not to reach the destination but to take the journey. Of course to some people, the journey would not make much sense without the destination, but you do not need a destination to have an adventure. Therefore, I believe that one does not always need to draw a conclusion in all spots of life.

"Welcome to Starbucks... sorry about that"

When I was in middle school, I had a friend tell me that I say sorry too much. I was dumbfounded. I had no idea what she was talking about until I started listening to myself. And then I realized, I really do say it a lot. Whether it was a low self-esteem or just the lack of anything to say, I definitely overused the phrase. So I stopped saying it. I didn't want to be apologizing all the time because nobody would take my words seriously. I find it ironic now that I am working in an industry that is saturated in quick, simple customer satisfaction. Then again, it's pretty close to fast food, except that our company's platform is designed to provide an "inviting third place". Starbucks, you are a phenomenal company. Granted, I am a people-pleaser, though not to the point where I get walked over, but it is in my nature. So, daily you'll hear me saying, "sorry about that". But, you must know that I truly, personally am not sorry. Yet here I am expressing my (precious) words of apology to you. That is what you want to hear in the 30 second - 3 minute time that you interact with me. So, back to middle school and over-apologizing. It's okay though- just know that for the sake of your smile (and my tip), I'll still say "sorry about that". After all, you have come to Starbucks, and I don't want to let you down.

For you, Robert.

Where does faith play it's part?

Faith. It's one of the fruits of the spirit. It makes an easy catch phrase- have faith! Jesus talks about it over and over in the Bible. But I want to know, when does it actually step up and play it's part?? I want faith. I want an unwavering, undeniable faith. I want the peace that comes with faith. Is it something that grows with me as I mature? Or is it like an instinct that just kicks in at the right time? When does what I know become how I live? I have to believe that emotion and feeling were given to us for a reason, but I also believe that reasoning was given to us as well. So where is the balance, and can you live off one while denying the other?? Okay, well it's time for faith to make it's debut.

Faith to me has been an over-talked-about about subject among Christians who use the phrase so casually. Faith is not a small matter! To be honest, I mostly see it as an act of trying to believe everyday. I see it as something that I keep striving for. It's like if I keep saying it to myself, one day, it will just click. It's not my belief in God that is wavering, but my belief in how God is working. We are all different people, but God is the same. So where does that leave us? How do different, broken people approach a perfect, never-changing God?

I've wrestled with this for a while because I constantly run into friends and people who share my faith in God but have a different way of knowing him. Let me explain. It's like when you are shopping with a friend, and you suddenly realize that you don't have very similar tastes. You both like to shop, you both like to buy shoes, you both like to dress up, and yet neither of you shop at the same stores. Does this difference negate the fact that you two both enjoy shopping? Definitely not! Here's the best advice I ever received from a friend: The way that you love Jesus may not be the way I love Jesus. It makes a lot of sense for me because for a time I struggled with why I could not completely relate to the friends I was trying to study the Bible with. Just because our faith does not look the same, doesn't mean that we don't share the same love of God. The thing is that He is still God, and the way we love Him does not determine who He is.

So this brings me back to faith. Is it learned? or developed? or granted? Or maybe it's like that pair of pants that you buy hoping to fit into. You work out, eat right, and they fit! So you wear them and have fun and eat more and stop working out, then they don't fit again. But is faith such a roller coaster? I'm convinced that it can't be. I don't know how yet, but I'd like faith to take center stage.

Too little or too much?

Is it that we are satisfied with too little or too much?


We are constantly going after more and more stuff: more to eat, more to drink, more to buy, more places to go. The list goes on and on and around again. This world produces some great things. Beautiful and satisfying trinkets that once excite us will fail to entertain us as time passes. But, there is always the next thing, which for a time takes the place of the previous object. Or perhaps, you truly value that one thing that you have had forever and no matter how many years go by, it is still a point of satisfaction- just knowing that your possession has attained more value with age is satisfying. It's there to remind you that it's yours, your possession! I have these things. I start to recognize which ones they are because I get that itch in my brain when someone inquires about them. It's the thought, why do they want to touch it? why should I let her borrow it? It's silly, really. And my possessions have small value monetarily, but I believe it is the nature of how I attained it that gives me a sense of pride and possessiveness. But, yes it is satisfying. No matter what level or method of satisfaction draws you to your possessions, it's problematic. This earthy place is fleeting. Scary to say, and even scarier to actually live by. Yet we draw large amounts daily of satisfaction from it...and for what?

I believe we are satisfied with too little. We are trading the simple, easily-attainable pleasures of this lovely, enticing world for eternity. E.T.E.R.N.I.T.Y.! Do we not know that it holds immeasurably more than earth?? Phil. 3:7 - "But, our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ."

I must be aware of the pursuit of fleeting satisfaction that can take it's place as a god. I do believe that the beauty and value we see in this life is as we see it, but it pales in comparison with what is to come-- and that it what I'm ultimately after.

My story....again?

Maybe I'm tired of telling my story. I meet different people everyday, and every now and then I happen to strike up a conversation that dips deeper than the typical, "how's it going?". I actually love hearing other people's stories- where they came from, what they've done, what they are doing, what they really want to be doing, and so on. But, I am reaching a point where I no longer want to answer those questions myself. Maybe it's just my situation right now but I am thrown for a loop when posed with these questions, and I hate that my responses seem to come out whiny or bitter or complacent. The truth is that I am learning to live every moment with purpose because God placed me in that moment. It is not an easy thing. Most days, I fail at it yet I keep going.

I'm also tired of hearing myself talk about myself. Seriously, my story is getting outdated. I want to hear others and listen to their stories. It's like book that is sitting on the shelf. You see the spine and read the name of it... it looks interesting. Once you pull it from the shelf you can see the cover... it grabs your attention. Upon reading the back cover you get a preview and discover their personality. Then you open it and read their story. How boring would it be if you pulled the book from the shelf, read the back cover, opened it, but begun to tell your own story while holding theirs in your hands?

Pick up a new book... become a real listener.

Failure.

Here is a quote from one of my favorite movies, Elizabethtown. It’s not necessarily the quote but the subject of it that applies to me. Failure is a great fear of mine. It would be hard for me to admit that, but it is absolutely true so I have no reason to be shy about it. I am examining the depth and relevancy of failure.

“There's a difference between a failure and a fiasco. A failure is merely the absence of success. Any fool can achieve failure. But a fiasco, a fiasco is a disaster of epic proportions. A fiasco is a folk tale told to others to make other people feel more alive because it didn't happen to them.” – Drew Baylor, Elizabethtown


Is it a hindrance or a lack of a propelling force that results in failure?

Is failure a presence or an absence?

To be so concerned with the failings and successes in our lives distracts us from the true breath of humanity. The heartbeat of mankind is drawn by love from above (God) and then love from around (each other). Neither victory nor loss should play a role in the level of a relationship. I must believe that a friendship, a relationship, a love is begun and strengthened and survived despite success and failure.

So I ask, does optimism trump foreboding failure?
If a positive outlook and contagious energy were all it took to cure a failure (or even a fiasco), I’d be glowing all the time. You see, underneath it all, I believe in a smile. I believe in joy. I believe in excitement and happiness. I believe in beauty and creativity and the power of sharing it’s warmth.

Perhaps it is my overwhelming desire and enjoyment of success that drives me to the fear of failure. Either way, my failures will not define me.

Let's give them something to blog about

I'll get there, you better believe I will.

Although I'm not quite sure of the where, how or when, I'll get there. I am determined. I am confident. I am unstoppable. I get discouraged, but I know how to dust myself off and get back on my feet. I'm not going to stop trying. Just because one person determines success a certain way, does not mean that it is that way for me. I am learning what things I value in life. Perhaps they are not what I thought they were.

Maybe I was never the girl who had big dreams of doing great things. Sure, there are things I've wanted to do and places I've wanted to see. I just never started a sentence with, "I've always wanted to..." But I'm okay with that. I am definitely not limited.

Perhaps God created me with such desires that I cannot even see the entire picture. Perhaps it is greater than what I can imagine. Perhaps if I had that one thing that I was going to do, I would be so focused on that that I could not see the other things and people along the way. Maybe I would have missed the people that I work with. Maybe I would have missed the regular customers. Maybe I would have missed my new friends. Maybe I would have missed -------. Maybe I don't understand it all, but just maybe I am beginning to accept and live in that.
If I keep seeking the future, how will I live in the present? So, how then should I live in the present? How do I solidly live for today while so desperately longing for the next season (without even knowing the next season)?

But-- you better believe I'm going places. Although I stand in this place longing to be anywhere but here, I'll seize the day and keep exploring. Some days, I feel like a mountain climber preparing for a climb. I have all my gear, my water bottles are full, my shoes are laced, and I've said my goodbyes. But, I cannot find the trail head. I do not even know where the trail begins. I am ready to scale the side of the mountain without even having reached the foot of it. Anxious.

"All who wander are not lost"- J.R.R. Tolkien.