Failure.

Here is a quote from one of my favorite movies, Elizabethtown. It’s not necessarily the quote but the subject of it that applies to me. Failure is a great fear of mine. It would be hard for me to admit that, but it is absolutely true so I have no reason to be shy about it. I am examining the depth and relevancy of failure.

“There's a difference between a failure and a fiasco. A failure is merely the absence of success. Any fool can achieve failure. But a fiasco, a fiasco is a disaster of epic proportions. A fiasco is a folk tale told to others to make other people feel more alive because it didn't happen to them.” – Drew Baylor, Elizabethtown


Is it a hindrance or a lack of a propelling force that results in failure?

Is failure a presence or an absence?

To be so concerned with the failings and successes in our lives distracts us from the true breath of humanity. The heartbeat of mankind is drawn by love from above (God) and then love from around (each other). Neither victory nor loss should play a role in the level of a relationship. I must believe that a friendship, a relationship, a love is begun and strengthened and survived despite success and failure.

So I ask, does optimism trump foreboding failure?
If a positive outlook and contagious energy were all it took to cure a failure (or even a fiasco), I’d be glowing all the time. You see, underneath it all, I believe in a smile. I believe in joy. I believe in excitement and happiness. I believe in beauty and creativity and the power of sharing it’s warmth.

Perhaps it is my overwhelming desire and enjoyment of success that drives me to the fear of failure. Either way, my failures will not define me.

Let's give them something to blog about

I'll get there, you better believe I will.

Although I'm not quite sure of the where, how or when, I'll get there. I am determined. I am confident. I am unstoppable. I get discouraged, but I know how to dust myself off and get back on my feet. I'm not going to stop trying. Just because one person determines success a certain way, does not mean that it is that way for me. I am learning what things I value in life. Perhaps they are not what I thought they were.

Maybe I was never the girl who had big dreams of doing great things. Sure, there are things I've wanted to do and places I've wanted to see. I just never started a sentence with, "I've always wanted to..." But I'm okay with that. I am definitely not limited.

Perhaps God created me with such desires that I cannot even see the entire picture. Perhaps it is greater than what I can imagine. Perhaps if I had that one thing that I was going to do, I would be so focused on that that I could not see the other things and people along the way. Maybe I would have missed the people that I work with. Maybe I would have missed the regular customers. Maybe I would have missed my new friends. Maybe I would have missed -------. Maybe I don't understand it all, but just maybe I am beginning to accept and live in that.
If I keep seeking the future, how will I live in the present? So, how then should I live in the present? How do I solidly live for today while so desperately longing for the next season (without even knowing the next season)?

But-- you better believe I'm going places. Although I stand in this place longing to be anywhere but here, I'll seize the day and keep exploring. Some days, I feel like a mountain climber preparing for a climb. I have all my gear, my water bottles are full, my shoes are laced, and I've said my goodbyes. But, I cannot find the trail head. I do not even know where the trail begins. I am ready to scale the side of the mountain without even having reached the foot of it. Anxious.

"All who wander are not lost"- J.R.R. Tolkien.

Quick confessions:

I love to daydream.
Some days I feign naivety because it relieves a little responsibility.
I am an optimist, a romantic.
Looking, hoping, and wishing are legitimate pastimes.
I am highly aware of the details.
The best memories occur on the small days.
I hate it when my face shows that I am annoyed.
Hands down, people make my day.
My biggest fear is having to live through my fears.
Maybe if FDR hadn't said it, I would not be so aware of it.
I write scatterbrained.
My blogs are shorter when I write toward the end of the day.

Life is more about the details.

I am hesitant to begin this blog because I do not have a conclusion. I work around people, lots of people. Actually 90% of my interactions are with strangers. Today, this fact occurred to me in a phenomenally loud way. I have forgotten how much I could make someone's day.

Today, I also realized that contentment is more of what I long for than success. You see, I believe that God, the Master of my life, has more in mind for me. I also realized that the most content and joyful people in my life are those whose lives are filled with people whom they love. This is what I am after. This may sound cheesy, but I'm just going to go for it. I want to pour my love into someone (s). For some reason, since I left school, I've been chasing this notion that a career and success would bring me happiness and contentment, but I've seen that life's deeper than that.

I had a conversation with a man today on my lunch break. He walked right in the shop and sat down next to me. At first, I was a little nervous because he had introduced himself to me before, and I thought he was hitting on me. When he started talking to me, he totally reminded me of my ex. Not in a bad way, but in that suave, sweet way that obviously won me over in the first place. I honestly don't know if he was hitting on me, but I just feel sad that I viewed everything he said with that in mind. Anyway, he started asking me if I was in school and what I was doing. I opened up to him about how I finished my degree in May and had not been able to find a job with it. I honestly dislike having this conversation because it discourages me, so hopefully it didn't show on my face. Now, thinking back on it, I am sad how i handled it. You see, in viewing my interactions like this, I have failed to see the situation from the other person's eyes. Who's to say that he hadn't just been laid off? or his mom died? I know none of these people's life stories, yet somehow I am selfish enough to bother only with my own.

As I was out rollerblading today, I saw many people and families out enjoying the weather and their spring break. I feel like I was able to see them with their whole story. I know that sounds strange, but I believe that maybe God was showing me that we humans are more complicated than our appearances show. I know he was showing me something. To be able to see people as He does would be eye opening.

This is not a very coherent blog, but it was necessary. Small, subtle interactions are often more alarming than a screaming child. Today was one of those days.

You better believe I'm looking for an oasis.

Some days, I am disgusted by people's obsession with convenience. Driving home from work, I notice the wind has picked up and scattered trash throughout the neighborhood. Before turning into my own neighborhood, I see a young tree in the median has captured a plastic white Walmart bag. This reminds me of the same kind of bag that has been hanging in the tree of our neighbor's yard for the past couple months. It is there to greet me everyday as I come home. It has been able to withstand wind and rain and perhaps even the ice storm we had last month, although I'm unsure of the exact time that it's been there.

How lazy are we? Trash in our trees. Wall- e may not be too far off. Plastic bags should be banned. They are ugly. By ugly, I mean hazardous and distrubing. They hate the environment and only serve to placate the desire of convenience. I mean really, could you imagine bringing your own bags to the grocery store to carry your purchases?? Sure, I believe in recycling (big fan actually), but let's be real. There is a big pile of trash floating in our ocean. Think about this the next time you see the wind capturing the mini-parachute of your plastic bag and taking it towards the trees. Here's a link about it on the Popular Science Blog: http://popsci.typepad.com/popsci/2007/10/giant-island-of.html


It's ugly. And I am concerned about how the earth's problems stem from the selfishness of humans. Recently, my company has taken a measure to reduce it's own waste by not handing out beverage sleeves on most hot drinks- with some exceptions. I support this 100%, but you would not believe the looks from some customers that we get. I secretly laugh inside at them.

On the same note, I'll admit to my love-hate relationship with technology. The advances and improvements that it has given us are outstanding. Some much as been accomplished with it, and I'll definitely say that I have several of these items and enjoy them completely. But, I'm saddened when I see it interfere in people's personal lives.

Here's a brief list: teenagers with iPhones (really? so they can watch youTube in English class?), people who mySpace and Facebook more than they call old friends (hello!! don't be shy!), people who haven't picked up a pen or pencil in months because the computer is their only source of communication (handwritting and cursive are becoming ancient!), cellphone users who talk more to the device in their hand than a human face (sorry, you have eyes?! umm... call me.), people who forget manners because texting is easier (g2g, TTYL- :) , and basically all users who are unable to function without their phone or computer for one day- and admit it.

Resorts on remote islands must be becoming a big industry. Getaways to faraway places and spa days have to be popular. Is our society conditioning itself for total technicalogical reliance that we have to leave the country and escape the rings and beeps to get any sort of relaxation?

I like letters in the mail. I like handwritten notes. I like your face talking to my face.

Maybe it's my overly analytical mind that warns me of the loss of personal connection that comes with technology- or maybe it's the threat of robots- or maybe it's my lack of faith in human inventions- or just maybe, it's my love of pure simplicity.

Smile like you mean it.

Please don't ever underestimate the power of a smile. There is a reason that you have lips and teeth and dimples. Yes, to kiss, but mostly it's to smile. A smile doesn't need words. A smile can be communicated in every language and non-language in the world. A smile conveys a positive, uplifting emotion- joy. A smile is meant to be contagious and spread. A smile is not only to show one's own satisfaction, but it is an act that is given to another. No one talks about how they smiled in secret. Smiles are to be shared.

Trust me, as a barista at a busy coffee shop, a smile is a welcome and wonderful thing to see. There is a lady who always smiles and laughs with us every single day! She genuinely appreciates us and what we do, but she is sincerely sweet in showing it to us. It is so pleasant to see. I wish I could smile as much as she does. Everyone loves how nice she is and we always remember her.

There is a reason people want you to smile for a picture- 99% of the time, a smile is your better look. It shows that you are happy. Yeah, it's that simple, but we often forget about the simple things in life. Don't make life complicated, smile.


*She's the best smiler in the world. Although, I'm not sure if she is smiling or laughing here. Way to go, sis.

"The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters." Psalm 24:1-2


Lately, I've had this intense yearning for discovering nature. When I travel, it is one of my favorite things to discover. New landscapes- beaches, mountains, hills, huge fields, rain forests, trees, oceans, lakes- are fascinating to me. The feeling of being so small with all of nature around is such a humbling experience. Watching the clouds move, the sun rise and set, the stars come out, the moon shine, the ocean waves come in, the wind move over the grasses, the leaves fall, waters cut through the ground to form rivers- it's all brilliant to me. I love the smells and seasons of new places. Sometimes when I watch a storm roll in, I feel that just maybe it is a glimpse of what it was like when God created the world. The strength and power and uncontrollable force of weather is a phenomenon that is new every time I witness it.

I long to be in a place where I can see for miles in every direction. The expanse of the ocean is frightening but at the same time so mesmerizing. One of my most treasured memories was when I watched the sun rise over the Pacific Ocean on the coast of Australia at Watson's Bay. I could almost see over the edge of the earth. It was incredible to watch the sun slowly peek through the clouds and spread it's light over the ocean. The colors grew in the sky and water and on the cliffs. We also watched the birds come to enjoy the morning on the cliffs.

I miss touring the landscape of Cairns, Australia. We took a tour of waterfalls through the rain forests of the area. Actually, we got to swim/ slide down all four of them. I felt like I could have spent an entire year exploring that area and I couldn't have seen it all. We saw sugar cane fields and the banana crops, both things I had never seen before.

Hiking in Colorado gives me the same great memories. There is something so freeing about being out away from the city and taking in the ground, trees, mountains, and lakes of where you are walking. It's like you are at the mercy of the land. Once again, the vastness and greatness of nature overwhelms.

This post was inspired by several factors in my life right now. First, it's been almost a year since I last traveled. I was in Colorado briefly last summer but not long enough. Second, I feel like nature, the outdoors, and traveling have been themes of many of the conversations with my friends lately. Third, being outside has been a good release for me in the past year, and so at the very least, it deserves a post on my (almost forsaken) blog. I would post my own poetry here, but it's hard to compare with Wordsworth so I'll save it for another time.

I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud
by William Wordsworth

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed-- and gazed-- but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.