The Giver.

Do you know that person? The one who is always willing to share. The one who always seems to have a gift or just "a little something" for you for no reason. If you think about it, you can probably pick out a couple people in your life who are givers. I know several, and I am blessed to have them as good friends in my life. Some of them I know casually and others I am actually related to. They are the people who are always ready to give something or they just always have that thought, "I think she would like this" ...so they end up buying it. Or it's that friend that insists on taking you to lunch even though you are trying to save money, and they, of course, pay for you- without a second thought. These are the people that are interested in your friendship regardless of the return on it. These are the people that devote time and energy to your friendship. These are the people who give you the last of the ice cream in their fridge. They are the people who make a fresh pot of coffee for you after they have finished off the pot. They are the people who bring you Starbucks when they stopped by to grab their own drink. They are the people who would loan you their favorite pair of shoes because they look better with your outfit. They let you borrow their new shirt that they haven't even worn yet. They let you cut in line and order the last blueberry cake donut that they had their eye on.

I know someone exactly like this.* She does not hesitant to be generous. In fact, the very notion of discussing generosity might seem mundane to her. It is comes secondhand to her because she inherited it from her mother. She is a hostess. She is servant. She genuinely cares. She's unselfish. She is a giver. If you know her at all or have ever been over to visit her, the chances are good she has either baked you cookies or her own (cinnamon) bread. yum! In her friendships, she gives. She gives you time. She listens. She cares deeply and is personally bothered when her friends are hurting. She'll lose sleep for you. She'll skip a meal for you and drive all night for you.

Yes, these are the givers. They are filled with generosity. Maybe this ease of giving is not something that we are all blessed with. Some of us guard our things. We hoard our resources and hide our belongings. We keep our nice possessions close. We flaunt our expensive stuff and shutter to think of sharing it.

The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. As it is written, "He has distributed freely, He has given to the poor; His righteousness endures forever." - 2 Cor. 9:6-9

How can we not give when so much has been given to us? Does not our generosity flow out of the grace He so freely gave to us? We deserve absolutely nothing, yet He pours out gifts of grace to us daily! Our stuff, our things, our possessions, our talents, our money, our health, even our awards and achievements are not ours. We are mere stewards of everything bestowed to us. How then are we going to live? Does His grace not change the state of your heart's generosity?




*I am not the only one who is blessed by her generous spirit. Julie is a sweet and gracious sister whose patience is much appreciated when it comes to my own generosity.

'Tis the Eve of Christmas

‘Tis the eve of Christmas and shoppers still stirring ‘round,
To grab last minute presents, if only to be found.
Anticipating a night of joy and cheer,
Some have plenty while others dread this time of year.
Friends and family travel far and prepare tomorrow’s feast,
To be surrounded by kin is a treasure not in the least.
More than packages with ribbons or bags with bows,
Whether the season is sunny and warm or it rains and snows,
On the eve of Christmas the stockings are hung,
And the fire is kindled for one night's worth.
Drifting to sleep the world awaiting, the best gift of all-
For to all, the dawn of a Redeeming Birth!

dear Sir:

I met you because I was introduced to you at a very young age. You were always a part of my life because my parents knew you well. I kept meeting people that knew you and would tell me how great you were and the great things you had done. There were millions of articles to read about you. I learned of things that you did and people you had rescued. You were a hero! But, I also learned about the destruction you caused. I learned about the anger you possessed. I learned about the laws you enforced. I learned about the justice you demanded. And I began to wonder, who are you?

I knew of you through the words of others and against what was written about you, I was beginning to struggle to comprehend you as one. I traveled to a town filled with poverty and need. I spent one week for three consecutive years building houses for those who had no money or food to provide for their own family. I brought warmth to their home by building a roof over their heads and placing keys to a home in their hands. I gave them a book that told them about you. Where did this peace and hope that I bestowed so graciously come from?

I watched the world crumble around me. The tragedy of 9/11 sparked a sharp feeling of anger. Deep sadness grew in my heart as I witnessed stories over and over of families torn apart by death. Terror had struck and now resided in the homes of Americans, and I could feel it. I struggled to comprehend how our world was turned upside down. For the first time in my life, I felt vulnerable. So I asked you, why?

Then I was driving to the hospital in Denver on Valentines' Day. I wasn't ready for this to happen. I did not have the words and I went numb. My gramma died, and now my family is missing a piece. This was the time in my life that I wish I could go back to. I was angry and confused, but mostly I was frustrated with myself. I did not know how to talk to you and wanted you to be so near. Why did you give me this pain of death to handle at this time?

I traveled to a land on the other side of the globe. I met people from all over the world in Sydney who professed to know you. I began to see you in everyday life. I watched people speak your name and give witness to how their lives had been changed because of you. I learned that you are not limited to one place, people, age, or culture. I believe this was the time you opened my heart wide and placed a deep hunger in me. You challenged me to know you personally, not just through the words of others. It was a joy to embrace you every day.

My life never makes sense to me. I try and try to figure it out, but it doesn't work- no matter how much reasoning or figuring I do.

"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?" Luke 9:23-25

I believe you, dear Sir, are my only answer, and I know my journey is not over. I am desperate to know you for who you really are, not just want I hear or want to hear. I believe you are greater and stronger than anything I could comprehend, and this is why I must know you even deeper.

The season is upon us! The holidays are here. Snow falling and the lights glittering. Extra smiles and warm wishes. Gift giving. Yummy food and celebration.But this lovely season is more than that. For me, this time began with nothing special or overly "Christmasy". I didn't make any big holiday travel plans or giant shopping trips or even attend any extravagant Christmas parties. Christmas Blend at Starbucks came out, menu boards at restaurants have added ingredients such as pumpkin and squash and pecans and chocolate to their items, and retail stores have flooded the shelves with red and green...everything. The weather turned cold, it even snowed already, and winter actually arrived. Somehow we humans are conditioned to make certain associations. Colder weather= end of the year= holiday season= shopping= busyness!= parties= travel= family= memories= etc, etc, etc (you fill in the rest). Distraction from the celebration of Christmas is inevitable, but for some reason this season I feel it more than ever. It is not necessarily from the things mentioned above, but it is a distraction that I suffer from because of my own lack of focus and intention. I do not live a life right now that is full and busy. I am not one of those people who has crammed a bunch of things into my calendar. I lived part of that when I was in college, and I will probably do it again someday. But, for the season I am in, it is not how I live. Therefore, the things I do and the events I participate in are, for the most part, my choosing. This shouldn't be an excuse for me to be selfish and lazy, but a reason for me to be intentional. I do have the time to pour into my friendships. I do have the time to read and grow my mind. I have the time to be disciplined in my work, exercise, and studies. This year the Christmas season has reminded me of how much I take for granted the life that I have. I have found that I take it for granted because I have not fully attributed it to the King.
It all clicked this year. This is a celebration of the greatness of our God. This is a celebration of the birth of Christ, our Lord. I choose to celebrate this, this year. This came last week in a very simple way. I was listening to Christmas music when I suddenly stopped and realized that there was something about Christmas that should effect me personally. It's like I had been celebrating the season from afar. I had been attending a party that wasn't my own. I didn't know who was even hosting it or what it was for. Sure, I wore the right clothes and said the right things and fit in just fine, but at the end of the party, I wasn't sure how to tag the pics (FB). Parties are different when you are there for a purpose. Recently I discovered this in full form: a toast! I have begun to introduce a toast whenever I find the opportunity is appropriate (which in my mind is often). I toasted Lindsey at her party a couple weeks ago. I toasted to her life and friendship and the memories I have with her. I toasted my friend Jacki and her beautiful new baby boy when we went out with two of her friends last week. I toasted her life and the miracle of birth and what a beautiful friend she is. I raised a toast at Thanksgiving to my family and everything that we share together. I toasted at my friend Tallulah's wedding for the blessing that she has been in my life and to her marriage. What I like about a toast is that it reminds everyone the reason for the celebration. It is a salute. It is a shout-out. It is a praise. It is thankfulness, victory, and love. It is a deep, sincere reminder that the people around are precious and the fellowship is scared.
And this is how Christmas should be for us as believers. It is a toast of the greatest kind. A magnificent reminder of Christ's life and what He did for us. A salute to His power. A shout-out or declaration of His strength. A praise to Him our King. An utterance of gratitude for the mercy and grace He gives freely. A celebration of victory over death that He conquered on the cross. But most importantly it is the recognition and acceptance of the God's love, His Son Jesus.

I know that Christmas has not always felt this close to me, and I pray that I do not see it as only warm thoughts or trite sayings. So when you repeat the words you've sung for years and you hear Luke 2 and you light the candles once more, raise your glass and toast to your King, born to save and redeem you.

Hope.

"The truth is, this world confuses me- the tragedy, the confusion, the disaster..."

This is a quote I heard on the show Criminal Minds. The speaker was referring to the pain he was experiencing at the loss of a friend who was murdered. There is death and hurt and sorrow and pain in this world. But, there is a deep sadness in that statement. The statement is hopeless.

It is true that there is tragedy and confusion and disaster in this world, but it is not hopeless. This world is a mess. We are living in an ugly, hurting world that is broken. The thing is though, that it doesn't confuse me. I know that it is not the way it was originally designed to be. I know that sin has ripped apart the perfect world that God created. Romans 8:18-27 talks about the future glory that is our hope. It is what we believers cling to. This is what separates us from those who have no hope. The ending is the redemption. The ending is being united with our Savior. The ending is no more hurt or pain or sorrow (Revelation 21:4).

How much different should we live with this as our hope? How do we live in a culture that does not share this hope? The hope that I cling to will invade every part of my life. The thing is that I don't have it all figured out. I know that it should transform my life and the way that I live. I know that because I am His, life will look different.

How does this effect my day?
How does this change the way I read a book or watch TV?
Will this effect my writing?
Does it impact my career?
Does this play a part in politics?
When does it become real? Does it just click one day?

I don't have all the answers, and I won't ever pretend to. But I know what I know because of the Bible. As far as my life... well, that's a bigger challenge. I believe that each of us was created in a beautiful and unique way to bring glory to God, and therefore each of us walks a different road. The journey may be long for some. It may be mountainous for others. It may be a lovely beach walk for others. Yet, we press on because we cling to that hope.

I'll toast to that!

Here's the most obnoxious thing that I see growing in my generation: anxiety. It could be the expectations of success, perfection, or accomplishment. It could be the fear of failure or nothingness. Either way, the pressure has become an adopted part of growing up. I refuse it! I'm tired of it (although I have fallen victim to it as well). I know others agree with me because I just listened to a sermon the other day by Beau Hughes. He spoke about "The Age of Anxiety" and how anxiety and fear can drive people's lives and even lead to physical health issues.

So, in honor of the recent holiday of Thanksgiving, and in revolt to this expected tendency of stress, fear, and anxiety, here is my gratitude.

The cross of Christ. Without Him, I live a meaningless life. With Him, I am covered in eternal love, grace, and mercy.
The love of my family. Forever grateful for their sincerity, sacrifice, and patience.
The blessings of my friendships. I pray I never take for granted the company of good friends.
My health and body. I have legs to run and hands to work.
Job! (not to be taken for granted in this rocky economy)
Texas, one of the most beautiful states in this great country.
B.A., education.
Leaves turning in autumn.
Good music.
New friends.
V.I.P. friends...ha, ha. no, really.
Long distance friends who'd rather live in the southern hemisphere.
Art.
Laughter...until you can barely breath and your jaw hurts.
Freedom.
Song and dance! (even if I can't really sing or dance)
My career at Starbucks.
New born babies.
Memories.
Mountains in Colorado.
Hope! Eph. 3:20-21
2009...wow.
Chips, salsa, guacamole, and margaritas. Always a lovely combination.
Poetry.
The great mind of C.S. Lewis.
Anything my sister bakes. She always uses real sugar and butter, none of this low fat stuff.
Photographs.
My memory, even when it fails me.
Strangers.
So You Think You Can Dance.
Book stores.
email, cell phones, FB, etc.
Umbrellas and boots so we can enjoy the rain in the rain!
Fresh flowers- any kind!
Crossing guards.
Every day I wake up and take a breath...

My gratitude list could be longer, but I'll keep it abbreviated today. Hopefully this is encouraging to you, and I pray that you may never lose focus of things that are most important in your life.

i heart.

Last night, I was reminded of how small I am in this great world- the peoples, the cultures, the places. The I-Heart Revolution film documentary by Hillsong United, We're All In This Together, was released.

While watching this film, the gravity of our world's desperate situation once again became evident. The truth is that poverty will always be with us (Deut. 15:11). Although it may not be obvious in our own everyday lives, the broken and hurting are here. The victims, the hungry, the lost and the lonely are here. It is daunting to me to think that the need is so vast and widespread. What can I do to solve such a wide, rampant problem?

In this cozy city of the USA, it is easy to forget what is happening in the other parts of the world. I wonder, what are other 24 year women doing on a daily basis? What are there dreams in life? Do they have the capabilities to fulfill these dreams?

And the children. What do they know about life? How have they been raised? It's a sickening thought to know that they may wake up every day and not have a meal in front of them. Perhaps they never leave the city they were born in. And does disease dictate the lives of their mothers?

"By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers." 1 John 3:16

Simply, we were called to love. Love with out condition as He loved us. Love because He first loved us.

According to dictionary.com the word expression has a couple definitions, but for this purpose I'd like to focus on the definition as follows: an indication of feeling, spirit, character, etc., as on the face, in the voice, or in artistic execution.

There is something about expression that makes people either completely comfortable or completely uncomfortable. There's really no in-between. Just because you appreciate the expression doesn't mean that you accept the entiresubject of what is being expressed, but I believe expression is the art that was placed in all of us. You can picture it in every person you know: it's the deep laugh that comes out so loud you stop and think, whoa. it's in a painting that takes hours to create yet has so much personality of the artist that it is unmistakeably theirs. it's the smile and light in a singer's eyes that give their voice a stronger sound that is felt and not just heard. it's our quirkiness, our mannerisms, our shy smiles, our sudden outbursts, our silly grins,- it's who we are. This dance that is the individual part of who we are flows into every part of our lives. If it is altered or hindered, it is not genuine. Hold on to this expression; it was not put in you for you.

The joy and beauty and peace and strength that you find in your life must be shared. It must be expressed! God did not create us to live in this life for ourselves. We are called to be an expression of Him. Take the joy in your life, no matter how small or large, and share it! Express it. Whether you sing, paint, dance, speak, cook, sew, twitter, garden, decorate, walk, waltz, write, or just laugh- do it. When you get to see it in others and witness their expression, embrace it all. Appreciate the individualism. It's like the weather. Every season has it's ups and downs. Winter is cold, but the snow is beautiful. Spring is dusty and allergy-ridden, but the fresh flowers and green land is breathtaking. Summer is hot and humid, but the bright skies and sunny days are uplifting. Fall can be rainy, but the colors and the crisp air are refreshing. The snow, the flowers, sunshine, and the leaves turning are all expressions of the land. The ability to feel cold and heat and the wind and the rain is part of humanity. Our senses connect us to each other and allow us to relate.

For example, food and drink are great social gatherings because of the senses that they evoke. Taste is the most common and most comfortable of all senses (save perhaps sight) because of the fact that one must eat to live, therefore one must partake in the sensation of taste. The same reasoning is followed with drink. To create and serve a meal is not only gracious, but it is an invitation to take in the shared celebration of the sense of taste. Everyone is invited- encouraged- not only to eat and drink for hunger's sake but to indulge for the sake of indulgence (and in good company!). Commonality allows for comfort and enjoyment which gives freedom for expression. At this place is where expression can thrive. Unfortunately, our humanity also leads to hindrances such as politics, bias, or even timidity.

This expression is part of the person that God created in you.
Psalm 139:14
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

I live with a cat.

Here's the thing- it's an identity crisis. Okay, maybe it's not that dramatic. I highly doubt I am the only one that experiences this in life. It is the first time in my life when I truly have not be able to make sense of who I am. It's like everything in my life that I am doing doesn't feel like me. Recently, I have done some things that I have never done before- some of them I never thought I would. (Careful how you use the word "never")
I live with a cat. And I really like it! She's curious and funny and likes to play with me. Who knew? I dry my jeans. Women will understand this more, but for the first time ever I can actually dry my jeans because I need them to fit like they did when I bought them. I have lost some weight, and most of my clothes don't fit. This is more disconcerting than it sounds. I joined a gym. Yep, I pay to work out and I can watch TV while I run. I still try to run outside when it's not sweltering, but the summer heat can be deadly. I work on MS Excel more than Word. Numbers over words- ugh. While I am embracing these new things, there are also other things that I am struggling with. I am not in school taking classes that I love. I am not a part of a team or community. I have few responsibilities or commitments unless I decide to take them on. These are things I have known the majority of my life, and now without them I am trying to find who I am.

But it is true that my plans and ideas are not all that my life is going to be about. I am reading a book about God's purpose for women and His call for their lives. The call for Eve was to be God's image bearer and an ezer, a strong helper. Eve is not defined by her interests or talents or her place in life, but she was created to be an image bearer of God- one created in God's image. An ezer is a warrior as the Hebrews used the word. Because Adam was alone in this world, God created an ezer to stand beside him and face the challenges of the world together. Man and woman were created in this world to stand alongside and encourage each other. It is when men and women join together that His image is shone most brightly. No matter what place in life women find themselves, God has created women to be image bearers and ezers.

-Lost Women of the Bible by Custis James.

So it is not really about cats or jeans or Excel, but it is about becoming and being the woman God created. How hard it is to remember that daily.

A conclusion for lack of a conclusion

In college when I would write research papers, I liked to be able to plan out the entire paper and outline it before I began writing. I would create a rough outline and organize all my material in the proper order. I did not always write it in order because certain points were easier for me to write about than others. Usually I would start with the section that I had the most research for and was fresh on my mind. After most of the body of the paper was finished, I would write the conclusion before the introduction. It was easier for me to wrap up the whole paper and prove what I had just written about. That's the thing, I'm good at drawing conclusions. In fact, we as humans are good at drawing conclusions. Or at least we like to think we are.
The tendency to figure out a problem or solve something is a prevailing notion among ambitious people. It's not a bad thing to want to improve, but perhaps the flaw rises when we try to conclude before all the facts are presented. Maybe everything does not need to be figured out. Maybe everything does not fit in a neat box marked "case closed". Maybe it's just not that simple. It is more comfortable to know that something has been solved and the conclusion has been written, yet I'm presenting the possibility that all is meant not to be solved.
When people set out on road trips, most of the time it is not to reach the destination but to take the journey. Of course to some people, the journey would not make much sense without the destination, but you do not need a destination to have an adventure. Therefore, I believe that one does not always need to draw a conclusion in all spots of life.

"Welcome to Starbucks... sorry about that"

When I was in middle school, I had a friend tell me that I say sorry too much. I was dumbfounded. I had no idea what she was talking about until I started listening to myself. And then I realized, I really do say it a lot. Whether it was a low self-esteem or just the lack of anything to say, I definitely overused the phrase. So I stopped saying it. I didn't want to be apologizing all the time because nobody would take my words seriously. I find it ironic now that I am working in an industry that is saturated in quick, simple customer satisfaction. Then again, it's pretty close to fast food, except that our company's platform is designed to provide an "inviting third place". Starbucks, you are a phenomenal company. Granted, I am a people-pleaser, though not to the point where I get walked over, but it is in my nature. So, daily you'll hear me saying, "sorry about that". But, you must know that I truly, personally am not sorry. Yet here I am expressing my (precious) words of apology to you. That is what you want to hear in the 30 second - 3 minute time that you interact with me. So, back to middle school and over-apologizing. It's okay though- just know that for the sake of your smile (and my tip), I'll still say "sorry about that". After all, you have come to Starbucks, and I don't want to let you down.

For you, Robert.

Where does faith play it's part?

Faith. It's one of the fruits of the spirit. It makes an easy catch phrase- have faith! Jesus talks about it over and over in the Bible. But I want to know, when does it actually step up and play it's part?? I want faith. I want an unwavering, undeniable faith. I want the peace that comes with faith. Is it something that grows with me as I mature? Or is it like an instinct that just kicks in at the right time? When does what I know become how I live? I have to believe that emotion and feeling were given to us for a reason, but I also believe that reasoning was given to us as well. So where is the balance, and can you live off one while denying the other?? Okay, well it's time for faith to make it's debut.

Faith to me has been an over-talked-about about subject among Christians who use the phrase so casually. Faith is not a small matter! To be honest, I mostly see it as an act of trying to believe everyday. I see it as something that I keep striving for. It's like if I keep saying it to myself, one day, it will just click. It's not my belief in God that is wavering, but my belief in how God is working. We are all different people, but God is the same. So where does that leave us? How do different, broken people approach a perfect, never-changing God?

I've wrestled with this for a while because I constantly run into friends and people who share my faith in God but have a different way of knowing him. Let me explain. It's like when you are shopping with a friend, and you suddenly realize that you don't have very similar tastes. You both like to shop, you both like to buy shoes, you both like to dress up, and yet neither of you shop at the same stores. Does this difference negate the fact that you two both enjoy shopping? Definitely not! Here's the best advice I ever received from a friend: The way that you love Jesus may not be the way I love Jesus. It makes a lot of sense for me because for a time I struggled with why I could not completely relate to the friends I was trying to study the Bible with. Just because our faith does not look the same, doesn't mean that we don't share the same love of God. The thing is that He is still God, and the way we love Him does not determine who He is.

So this brings me back to faith. Is it learned? or developed? or granted? Or maybe it's like that pair of pants that you buy hoping to fit into. You work out, eat right, and they fit! So you wear them and have fun and eat more and stop working out, then they don't fit again. But is faith such a roller coaster? I'm convinced that it can't be. I don't know how yet, but I'd like faith to take center stage.

Too little or too much?

Is it that we are satisfied with too little or too much?


We are constantly going after more and more stuff: more to eat, more to drink, more to buy, more places to go. The list goes on and on and around again. This world produces some great things. Beautiful and satisfying trinkets that once excite us will fail to entertain us as time passes. But, there is always the next thing, which for a time takes the place of the previous object. Or perhaps, you truly value that one thing that you have had forever and no matter how many years go by, it is still a point of satisfaction- just knowing that your possession has attained more value with age is satisfying. It's there to remind you that it's yours, your possession! I have these things. I start to recognize which ones they are because I get that itch in my brain when someone inquires about them. It's the thought, why do they want to touch it? why should I let her borrow it? It's silly, really. And my possessions have small value monetarily, but I believe it is the nature of how I attained it that gives me a sense of pride and possessiveness. But, yes it is satisfying. No matter what level or method of satisfaction draws you to your possessions, it's problematic. This earthy place is fleeting. Scary to say, and even scarier to actually live by. Yet we draw large amounts daily of satisfaction from it...and for what?

I believe we are satisfied with too little. We are trading the simple, easily-attainable pleasures of this lovely, enticing world for eternity. E.T.E.R.N.I.T.Y.! Do we not know that it holds immeasurably more than earth?? Phil. 3:7 - "But, our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ."

I must be aware of the pursuit of fleeting satisfaction that can take it's place as a god. I do believe that the beauty and value we see in this life is as we see it, but it pales in comparison with what is to come-- and that it what I'm ultimately after.

My story....again?

Maybe I'm tired of telling my story. I meet different people everyday, and every now and then I happen to strike up a conversation that dips deeper than the typical, "how's it going?". I actually love hearing other people's stories- where they came from, what they've done, what they are doing, what they really want to be doing, and so on. But, I am reaching a point where I no longer want to answer those questions myself. Maybe it's just my situation right now but I am thrown for a loop when posed with these questions, and I hate that my responses seem to come out whiny or bitter or complacent. The truth is that I am learning to live every moment with purpose because God placed me in that moment. It is not an easy thing. Most days, I fail at it yet I keep going.

I'm also tired of hearing myself talk about myself. Seriously, my story is getting outdated. I want to hear others and listen to their stories. It's like book that is sitting on the shelf. You see the spine and read the name of it... it looks interesting. Once you pull it from the shelf you can see the cover... it grabs your attention. Upon reading the back cover you get a preview and discover their personality. Then you open it and read their story. How boring would it be if you pulled the book from the shelf, read the back cover, opened it, but begun to tell your own story while holding theirs in your hands?

Pick up a new book... become a real listener.

Failure.

Here is a quote from one of my favorite movies, Elizabethtown. It’s not necessarily the quote but the subject of it that applies to me. Failure is a great fear of mine. It would be hard for me to admit that, but it is absolutely true so I have no reason to be shy about it. I am examining the depth and relevancy of failure.

“There's a difference between a failure and a fiasco. A failure is merely the absence of success. Any fool can achieve failure. But a fiasco, a fiasco is a disaster of epic proportions. A fiasco is a folk tale told to others to make other people feel more alive because it didn't happen to them.” – Drew Baylor, Elizabethtown


Is it a hindrance or a lack of a propelling force that results in failure?

Is failure a presence or an absence?

To be so concerned with the failings and successes in our lives distracts us from the true breath of humanity. The heartbeat of mankind is drawn by love from above (God) and then love from around (each other). Neither victory nor loss should play a role in the level of a relationship. I must believe that a friendship, a relationship, a love is begun and strengthened and survived despite success and failure.

So I ask, does optimism trump foreboding failure?
If a positive outlook and contagious energy were all it took to cure a failure (or even a fiasco), I’d be glowing all the time. You see, underneath it all, I believe in a smile. I believe in joy. I believe in excitement and happiness. I believe in beauty and creativity and the power of sharing it’s warmth.

Perhaps it is my overwhelming desire and enjoyment of success that drives me to the fear of failure. Either way, my failures will not define me.

Let's give them something to blog about

I'll get there, you better believe I will.

Although I'm not quite sure of the where, how or when, I'll get there. I am determined. I am confident. I am unstoppable. I get discouraged, but I know how to dust myself off and get back on my feet. I'm not going to stop trying. Just because one person determines success a certain way, does not mean that it is that way for me. I am learning what things I value in life. Perhaps they are not what I thought they were.

Maybe I was never the girl who had big dreams of doing great things. Sure, there are things I've wanted to do and places I've wanted to see. I just never started a sentence with, "I've always wanted to..." But I'm okay with that. I am definitely not limited.

Perhaps God created me with such desires that I cannot even see the entire picture. Perhaps it is greater than what I can imagine. Perhaps if I had that one thing that I was going to do, I would be so focused on that that I could not see the other things and people along the way. Maybe I would have missed the people that I work with. Maybe I would have missed the regular customers. Maybe I would have missed my new friends. Maybe I would have missed -------. Maybe I don't understand it all, but just maybe I am beginning to accept and live in that.
If I keep seeking the future, how will I live in the present? So, how then should I live in the present? How do I solidly live for today while so desperately longing for the next season (without even knowing the next season)?

But-- you better believe I'm going places. Although I stand in this place longing to be anywhere but here, I'll seize the day and keep exploring. Some days, I feel like a mountain climber preparing for a climb. I have all my gear, my water bottles are full, my shoes are laced, and I've said my goodbyes. But, I cannot find the trail head. I do not even know where the trail begins. I am ready to scale the side of the mountain without even having reached the foot of it. Anxious.

"All who wander are not lost"- J.R.R. Tolkien.

Quick confessions:

I love to daydream.
Some days I feign naivety because it relieves a little responsibility.
I am an optimist, a romantic.
Looking, hoping, and wishing are legitimate pastimes.
I am highly aware of the details.
The best memories occur on the small days.
I hate it when my face shows that I am annoyed.
Hands down, people make my day.
My biggest fear is having to live through my fears.
Maybe if FDR hadn't said it, I would not be so aware of it.
I write scatterbrained.
My blogs are shorter when I write toward the end of the day.

Life is more about the details.

I am hesitant to begin this blog because I do not have a conclusion. I work around people, lots of people. Actually 90% of my interactions are with strangers. Today, this fact occurred to me in a phenomenally loud way. I have forgotten how much I could make someone's day.

Today, I also realized that contentment is more of what I long for than success. You see, I believe that God, the Master of my life, has more in mind for me. I also realized that the most content and joyful people in my life are those whose lives are filled with people whom they love. This is what I am after. This may sound cheesy, but I'm just going to go for it. I want to pour my love into someone (s). For some reason, since I left school, I've been chasing this notion that a career and success would bring me happiness and contentment, but I've seen that life's deeper than that.

I had a conversation with a man today on my lunch break. He walked right in the shop and sat down next to me. At first, I was a little nervous because he had introduced himself to me before, and I thought he was hitting on me. When he started talking to me, he totally reminded me of my ex. Not in a bad way, but in that suave, sweet way that obviously won me over in the first place. I honestly don't know if he was hitting on me, but I just feel sad that I viewed everything he said with that in mind. Anyway, he started asking me if I was in school and what I was doing. I opened up to him about how I finished my degree in May and had not been able to find a job with it. I honestly dislike having this conversation because it discourages me, so hopefully it didn't show on my face. Now, thinking back on it, I am sad how i handled it. You see, in viewing my interactions like this, I have failed to see the situation from the other person's eyes. Who's to say that he hadn't just been laid off? or his mom died? I know none of these people's life stories, yet somehow I am selfish enough to bother only with my own.

As I was out rollerblading today, I saw many people and families out enjoying the weather and their spring break. I feel like I was able to see them with their whole story. I know that sounds strange, but I believe that maybe God was showing me that we humans are more complicated than our appearances show. I know he was showing me something. To be able to see people as He does would be eye opening.

This is not a very coherent blog, but it was necessary. Small, subtle interactions are often more alarming than a screaming child. Today was one of those days.

You better believe I'm looking for an oasis.

Some days, I am disgusted by people's obsession with convenience. Driving home from work, I notice the wind has picked up and scattered trash throughout the neighborhood. Before turning into my own neighborhood, I see a young tree in the median has captured a plastic white Walmart bag. This reminds me of the same kind of bag that has been hanging in the tree of our neighbor's yard for the past couple months. It is there to greet me everyday as I come home. It has been able to withstand wind and rain and perhaps even the ice storm we had last month, although I'm unsure of the exact time that it's been there.

How lazy are we? Trash in our trees. Wall- e may not be too far off. Plastic bags should be banned. They are ugly. By ugly, I mean hazardous and distrubing. They hate the environment and only serve to placate the desire of convenience. I mean really, could you imagine bringing your own bags to the grocery store to carry your purchases?? Sure, I believe in recycling (big fan actually), but let's be real. There is a big pile of trash floating in our ocean. Think about this the next time you see the wind capturing the mini-parachute of your plastic bag and taking it towards the trees. Here's a link about it on the Popular Science Blog: http://popsci.typepad.com/popsci/2007/10/giant-island-of.html


It's ugly. And I am concerned about how the earth's problems stem from the selfishness of humans. Recently, my company has taken a measure to reduce it's own waste by not handing out beverage sleeves on most hot drinks- with some exceptions. I support this 100%, but you would not believe the looks from some customers that we get. I secretly laugh inside at them.

On the same note, I'll admit to my love-hate relationship with technology. The advances and improvements that it has given us are outstanding. Some much as been accomplished with it, and I'll definitely say that I have several of these items and enjoy them completely. But, I'm saddened when I see it interfere in people's personal lives.

Here's a brief list: teenagers with iPhones (really? so they can watch youTube in English class?), people who mySpace and Facebook more than they call old friends (hello!! don't be shy!), people who haven't picked up a pen or pencil in months because the computer is their only source of communication (handwritting and cursive are becoming ancient!), cellphone users who talk more to the device in their hand than a human face (sorry, you have eyes?! umm... call me.), people who forget manners because texting is easier (g2g, TTYL- :) , and basically all users who are unable to function without their phone or computer for one day- and admit it.

Resorts on remote islands must be becoming a big industry. Getaways to faraway places and spa days have to be popular. Is our society conditioning itself for total technicalogical reliance that we have to leave the country and escape the rings and beeps to get any sort of relaxation?

I like letters in the mail. I like handwritten notes. I like your face talking to my face.

Maybe it's my overly analytical mind that warns me of the loss of personal connection that comes with technology- or maybe it's the threat of robots- or maybe it's my lack of faith in human inventions- or just maybe, it's my love of pure simplicity.

Smile like you mean it.

Please don't ever underestimate the power of a smile. There is a reason that you have lips and teeth and dimples. Yes, to kiss, but mostly it's to smile. A smile doesn't need words. A smile can be communicated in every language and non-language in the world. A smile conveys a positive, uplifting emotion- joy. A smile is meant to be contagious and spread. A smile is not only to show one's own satisfaction, but it is an act that is given to another. No one talks about how they smiled in secret. Smiles are to be shared.

Trust me, as a barista at a busy coffee shop, a smile is a welcome and wonderful thing to see. There is a lady who always smiles and laughs with us every single day! She genuinely appreciates us and what we do, but she is sincerely sweet in showing it to us. It is so pleasant to see. I wish I could smile as much as she does. Everyone loves how nice she is and we always remember her.

There is a reason people want you to smile for a picture- 99% of the time, a smile is your better look. It shows that you are happy. Yeah, it's that simple, but we often forget about the simple things in life. Don't make life complicated, smile.


*She's the best smiler in the world. Although, I'm not sure if she is smiling or laughing here. Way to go, sis.

"The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters." Psalm 24:1-2


Lately, I've had this intense yearning for discovering nature. When I travel, it is one of my favorite things to discover. New landscapes- beaches, mountains, hills, huge fields, rain forests, trees, oceans, lakes- are fascinating to me. The feeling of being so small with all of nature around is such a humbling experience. Watching the clouds move, the sun rise and set, the stars come out, the moon shine, the ocean waves come in, the wind move over the grasses, the leaves fall, waters cut through the ground to form rivers- it's all brilliant to me. I love the smells and seasons of new places. Sometimes when I watch a storm roll in, I feel that just maybe it is a glimpse of what it was like when God created the world. The strength and power and uncontrollable force of weather is a phenomenon that is new every time I witness it.

I long to be in a place where I can see for miles in every direction. The expanse of the ocean is frightening but at the same time so mesmerizing. One of my most treasured memories was when I watched the sun rise over the Pacific Ocean on the coast of Australia at Watson's Bay. I could almost see over the edge of the earth. It was incredible to watch the sun slowly peek through the clouds and spread it's light over the ocean. The colors grew in the sky and water and on the cliffs. We also watched the birds come to enjoy the morning on the cliffs.

I miss touring the landscape of Cairns, Australia. We took a tour of waterfalls through the rain forests of the area. Actually, we got to swim/ slide down all four of them. I felt like I could have spent an entire year exploring that area and I couldn't have seen it all. We saw sugar cane fields and the banana crops, both things I had never seen before.

Hiking in Colorado gives me the same great memories. There is something so freeing about being out away from the city and taking in the ground, trees, mountains, and lakes of where you are walking. It's like you are at the mercy of the land. Once again, the vastness and greatness of nature overwhelms.

This post was inspired by several factors in my life right now. First, it's been almost a year since I last traveled. I was in Colorado briefly last summer but not long enough. Second, I feel like nature, the outdoors, and traveling have been themes of many of the conversations with my friends lately. Third, being outside has been a good release for me in the past year, and so at the very least, it deserves a post on my (almost forsaken) blog. I would post my own poetry here, but it's hard to compare with Wordsworth so I'll save it for another time.

I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud
by William Wordsworth

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed-- and gazed-- but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.